The Ultimate Destiny of Representative Chet
by Piteous
Summary: NPC Representative Chet is given a name to better serve his CPU goddesses to better serve his own people (NPCs). Unfortunately, he's more concerned about himself. In particular, he's concerned about his death, and hopes to die serving the CPUs…. This will be his everyday. Will he get an axe to the head, or will the only thing axed be his job once the CPUs get tired of him?
1. Chapter 1

I am an NPC. I am a generic, faceless silhouette of a man among a sea of generic faceless silhouettes. That's not something most people would be proud to say, but I am proud. I am proud because I am one part of the great back bone which supposedly supports Gameindustri, and I have been given the chance to represent my people as emissary to the four Goddesses to whom we NPCs pray. To that end, I was given the official title of Representative, and more importantly, I was given the name Chet….

That might not sound too impressive, but believe me when I say that having a name is a **big** thing for us NPCs. I even bolded the letters to show how important it is. I remember my grandparents were doing backflips when I told them I was given a promotion.

"My boy has a name! My boy has a name!" My I've never seen my grandad so excited….

Anyways, I come from the nation of Lowee, and as my first duty as Representative Chet – loving the name – is to speak with our nation's Goddess, the CPU Lady White Heart, whom I was told went out for the forest for the a walk. I could have waited in the Basilicom for Lady White Heart's return, but my dreams of actually appearing in a scene got the better of me, and I left for the forest in search of her.

As I trek across the snow covered ground of Lowee, I can't help but wonder what my first scene with Lady White Heart will be like. Maybe I'll be attacked by monsters, and Lady White Heart will come rescue me! Ooh! I can't wait to see Lady White Heart's beautiful loli figure come to my aide. Lady White Heart, the Black Hearted! The White Loli Goddess of Rage! Lady White Heart, my heart skips a beat at the thought of you!

"Aaaaa!" Surprisingly, that was **not** the sound of me squeeing like teenage purger meeting Taylor Lautner in a coffee shop. It was another NPC. I know because he has a male voice, and there are no important males in Gameindustri, this is an amazon state. "Help me!"

"Who's there?" I called out to my ailing NPC brother.

"Help! Help!?" He pleaded, scampering over to me and hiding behind my back. "You have to talk some sense into her! She's crazy!"

"What are you talking about? Who is 'she'?" I asked as the bedeviling feeling of déjà vu at the back of my mind gnaws at me. "Wait…. I know this scene!"

"There you are, you shit head!" The furious tone of the most beautiful of all the Goddesses comes to me. Harsh like a blizzard at the peak of Winter, that voice soothes may excitement like a rasp on the eardrum. "You thought you could hide from me, you pig? Get out from behind your friend, or I'll slice you both in to bacon strips!"

My goodness…, I think I'm in love!

To put it simply, she is beautiful…. I thought I was blessed to have been given a name, but to be able to witness such glorious…! I am forever humbled….

Lady White Heart in her HDD state is beautiful beyond description. Her petite, loli frame, her commanding red eyes and goddess's pupils, and even her A-cups – her glorious pettanko A-Cups scream out beauty unparalleled! I am treated to the sight of her short blue hair and outgrown forelocks, and her white plug-suit is…! Mm! I can't even form proper sentences! I am awestruck by the glory of my nation's Goddess! Giant axe in hand, and robotic combat frame affixed to her loli body, Lady White Heart, you are the reason for our nation's success! Your beauty triumphs over all! The CPU of Lowee! Magnificence incarnate!

"Hey, you!" She called out to me! I can't believe it. "Get your ass out of the way, or get ready to lose it!"

I am actually sharing a scene with Lady White Heart! My prayers have been answered! The Goddesses smile upon me! Actually she's glaring and scowling at me, but I'm so happy that I don't mind! "Aaaaah!" I squeed!

Lady White Heart, for all of her glorious wrath, looked confused at the sound of my squee.

"What kind of pervert are you…?" asked Lady White Heart.

"Hey, are…. Are you alright, buddy? You look like you're having a much better time than I am!"

"Lady White Heart, please permit this humble NPC the honour of speaking to you!" I despise myself for sounding so boisterous, but I cannot allow myself for even a single second to go unnoticed by my Lady White Heart. "I have seen this scene before (on Youtube for scenes with the DLC), and if I may be so humble as to assess the situation, I don't believe that I would be incorrect!"

"The hell is wrong with this pervert?" asked Lady White Heart.

"Correct me if I am wrong, but this man made jest of your modest bosom, did he not?"

"Yeah, what's it to you?" Lady White Heart was still a comely goddess even as her patience wore thin.

"Is also true that you now wish to 'kill 'em dead", as it were?" Forgive me for answering you with a question m'lady.

"That's right, if you get that, MOVE!" She barked orders at me! Ooh! This sensual feeling is **EXTOOOOOORDINARY**!

"Hey, buddy, are… are you even trying to help my case?" asked my soon to be fallen brother.

"Lady White Heart, let it be known that this humble servant spares no pity for suicidal stupidity!" with my piece said, I out my brother in a hold, and readied for the inevitable. "This servant shall fulfill his duty, Lady White Heart!"

"H-Hey! What are you doing?" My brother struggled and struggled, but he could not escape, for mine was the HOLD OF DESTINY! "You maniac! We-We'll both be killed!"

"Um…." From her titled stare, I knew that Lady White Heart sensed my devotion. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I am holding him for you, Lady White Heart!"

"Well, thanks…. That's nice and all, but you know that I'm a CPU, and I'm not good at holding back…." I couldn't believe my ear. Lady White Heart was expressing concern for my well being! Ungh! I feel so **alive**…. "If I hit you like this…, you might die…."

"I am a named NPC, Lady White Heart! It is our life expectancy is non-existant! Insurance companies refuse to cover us! THIS IS MY DESTINY!"

My brother was still struggling to escape my HOLD OF DESTINY, but he was still weak to the power of righteousness. "You named assholes are crazy! Let me go!"

"Well okay…. No pity for suicidal stupidity, after all…." Lady White Heart boomeranged my words! I HAVE ARRIVED IN PARADISE! "What's you're name, anyways?"

To even ask me my name…. Lady White Heart, you are the apotheosis of both beauty and humility.

"My name is Representative Chet, I am your humble servant, and no fate would satisfy me greater than to be struck by your blade!"

"Well…. Okay, get ready for it! I'm coming in hot!" Lady White Heart, introduce me to DESTINY! MY DESTINY!

"I am ready, LADY WHIIIIIITE HEART! **AHHHHHHHHHHHHH**!"

"I'm not!" Accept our destiny, my brother! This is the greatest of honors! "Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! AHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOO!"

"**AHHHHHHHHHHHHH **– this is the greatest day of my life – **AHHHHHHHHHHHHH**!"

"Third Break!"

Even her explosions are beautiful….

…

I was killed. Such is the destiny of a named NPC. To be killed in service to my goddess is the highest honor for my kind, so forgive me for my reaction when I woke up on the Basilicom floor an hour later.

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**!"

My ultimate destiny has yet to come, it would seem….


	2. Chapter 2

"I can't believe you're complaining that I didn't kill you. Get happy you cutwrist!" As it turns out, for all her fabled rage, my beloved Lady White Heart did indeed have mercy to spare, and while I certainly appreciate all that she does for my kind, I almost feel like I was robbed of my destiny.

"Lady White Heart, you are too kind…." I bemoaned, detesting the fact that I had lost my chance to prove my worth.

I was treated to the sight of m'lady's human form. The sight of her soft brown bob of hair is as much of a treat to my eyes as her muted brown eyes and passive, unfeeling scowl. She wore clothes that looked both incredibly warm looking and not at the same time, somehow. Her ensemble consisted of a fur-lined minidress with similarly made detached sleeves. I want to think that she's just magnificent and fights off the cold with a smirk and a hammer, but I just don't understand how JRPG clothes work.

"Are you saying that you wanted me to kill you? 'Cause I might just gut you here if you keep whining like this!" Lady White Heart is right, I am being selfish and ungrateful.

"My apologies, Lady White Heart. It is unbecoming of me to accept your gift and critique it…. Thank you for gracing me with your blade. It is a memory to which I will hold dear for as long as I shall live."

"Ugh…." Lady White Heart grumbled before turning to face the nearest clergymen among my brethren. "Can someone tell me who this pervert is? I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not, and I'm one wisecrack away from sending his head into space!"

"Um…. Excuse me…, Lady White Heart." One of my braver brethren stepped up. The rest of them must be too nervous to approach one so divine as our nation's goddess. I understand the feeling quite well. "This is Representative Chet, speaker on behalf of the NPCs…." he said, like a ball of steel wool was caught in his throat.

"Well goodness, my brother. You looked like someone was threatening you to say that…." I said to him, stuck to a bed as my silhouette remain bandaged.

He smiled at me in a detesting false smile that told me loud and clear that he held nothing but contempt for me.

"What's got into you, my brother?" I asked, a little off put.

He didn't answer me, but that's okay because Lady White Heart started talking again, and I'd rather listen to her, anyway. "Oh, so you're the representative from Lowee…." said Lady White Heart, observing me like a scientist would observe algae, which I believe is a stunningly appropriate allegory for the difference in our social standing. "I expected you to have a proper character portrait."

"I'm just happy that they gave me a name." said I, inciting a mixture of groans and grumbles from my brothers among the sanctified.

"Well, now that you're here…." Lady White Heart began to panic. "Hey…. What are you supposed to be doing here again?"

That was a good question. "Well, Lady White Heart, I was sent here to convey the wishes of the NPCs to you." I wasn't expecting to live long enough to actually be able to do my job, tho.  
"Oh, well…. Hey! Isn't that my job?" asked Lady White Heart, confused.

"Actually, as CPU you are expected to act within the best interest of our nation, but not necessarily its citizens. My purpose is to lighten the your workload somewhat, and give the people someone else to yell at when things… go… south…." Now that I said it, my job doesn't feel as appealing as when I was first promoted.

"Oh, cool. Maybe now I can syphon Lowee's resources to erect a giant statue of myself."  
"Doesn't Lowee have some of those already?" I asked, preemptively feeling the pain of rocks to be thrown at my face by the next angry mob.

"If we do, they aren't big enough…. Just kidding." she said, failing to convince me.

…

So after recuperating and getting all the bandages taken off my silhouette, I resigned to my very own chamber. On my way there, I began to feel the menacing glares of my brethren. It was unsettling how much hostility I was getting from them, so I stopped one of my brothers in the hall, after which he told me to buzz off because he was busy. Feeling dejected, but not entirely discouraged, I proceeded to do the same with the next of my brothers I saw.

"What do you want, Name Boy?" asked my brother, who could somehow say that without laughing.

"Name Boy? Am I a handheld console now?" I laughed a little bit, I admit. I thought it was funny. "Is there something wrong with my name, my brother?"

"Yes, you have one." said my brother, tersely. "Do you know what my name is?"

"Um…." I hesitated.

Of course I didn't. The only name given above his text box read, "The Sanctified", and I'm no good a remembering the names of new people. I'm not afraid to say it, all us silhouette NPCs look the same! It's not like there's a commoner, or a bandit around. No. The only guys here are me and The Sanctified, and I just got here. Excuse me if I can't tell one framed shadow from next the next. Ugh! It feels like my last family reunion all over again….

"You don't, do you? And you know why? It's because my name just isn't important enough!" my brother obviously has issues regarding this topic. "Well let me tell you something, Name boy," he's still calling me that, "my name's Rodger! And just because your name shows up whenever you talk, doesn't mean your any better than me!"

"Chet isn't my real name…." I admitted.

"What?"

"My brother, Chet isn't my real name. I was given this name along with my title."

My brother looked a little stunned, shocked even. "Wait…. They gave you a name?"

"Yes, They did." I assured him.

"Then…, what's your real name?"

"Omniphilus." Chet isn't the coolest name around, but I'll take it over the name I was born under. "Omniphilus Fingal Thornton V. It's nice to meet you."

…

So I've worked here for all of two weeks now, and my relationship with my brothers around the workplace picked up. Every now and then someone'd take the piss out of my real name, but at least no one was glaring at me anymore. Some of my brothers still called me Name Boy, but the did so in a much friendlier way. Case in point, Rodger, who hated me for the most idiotic reasons actually turned out to be a great friend, helping me find my way around the Basilicom, chewing fat with me around the water cooler, and stuff like that. I learned him to be a father of two, and single since his wife died a year ago. He's not looking for a relationship right now, but he's not against the idea of finding someone.

Anyways, after two weeks of shuffling papers because no one here knows what to do with me, Lady White Heart called me up. Naturally, I was giddy as a school girl to speak with her again, she rarely stops just to chat.

"You wanted to speak with me Lady White Heart?" Admittedly, being around the Basilicom all day has gotten me used to the idea of being so close to a CPU, but my love for Lady White Heart endures!

"Hello, Chet. I wanted you to run an errand for me, if that's alright with you." She asks for my consent! Bless you, Lady White Heart. "It's about Rodger. He's been really down ever since his wife passed away, and it's doing a number on the morale here in the Basilicom."

"What do you plan to do, Lady White Heart?" I asked, not sure how I was involved in all this.

"Well, I want you to know I appreciate you doing all my- so much paper work recently, so I thought I could trust you with this." I heard that, Lady White Heart. "I contacted a friend to conduct a marriage meeting with Rodger, but she hasn't replied in a while, and I'm worried. I want you to go to Ventduchaud Village and deliver this message to a woman named Geraldine. She's the one I had set up to meet with Rodger." Lady White Heart held up a large yellow envelope and handed it to me.

"Is that all, Lady White Heart?"

"That's pretty much it, yeah. Thank you for doing this, Chet. I'd go myself, but I have something on my plate right now, and I can't leave the Basilicom." What Lady White Heart meant to tell me was that two of her favorite anime were both scheduled to begin their next seasons within the week, and she couldn't risk missing them. "I doubt you'll run into trouble, but I want you to take Wisden with you, just in case."

Now, I was more than happy to do Lady White Heart's errand, but I was less than excited to take Wisden along with me. Now, I've nothing against Wisden, but she's…. Well, she's a bird, a Crested Brow Hawk-Owl that wears a cute, red fez over her crest feathers and flies around carrying around a cricket bat, to be precise. Not exactly the most reliable back up, but there is something to be said for my wingman actually being a bird.


	3. Chapter 3

*Bonk!* went the sound of Wisden's bat against the head of a menacing bit of living shrubbery, which begs the question whether or not these guys count as fauna or flora.

"That's very good, Wisden." I'd praise you more if you didn't totally steal my kill for the nth time.

So, I'm on a little adventure with Wisden as my wingman/girl/bird with a fez and a cricket bat. To break from standard convention, Wisden is not my attack bird. That is to say, rather than her perching on my silhouetted wrist so that I can command her to go twat things over the head with her cricket bat, Wisden is her own player character, and goes out to twat things over the head with her cricket bat before I do because this is turn-based combat, and her speed is higher.

"You're quite the efficient little hawk-owl, aren't you, Wisden?" You're proficient enough to put me on potion duty because you always end up finishing off the happy, vicious, shrub monsters.

I admit, I am bitter. I'm bitter that this bird is a better fighter than me, I'm bitter that I don't have a 3D model in battles and this bird does, and most of all I'm bitter that Wisden has a character portrait and I don't. I under stand not giving me a 3D model and head swapping an enemy model for a bird, but why does she get her own character portrait? It just isn't fair! This is almost as bad as the time I got kicked off my middle school choir because word got out that I made beautiful music with Coach Redthroat's daughter! I was in middle school, and she was in high school, how was it that I was held at fault? My parents wouldn't even contest my removal because they were too disappointed in me! I DON'T HAVE ISSUES! STOP TELLING ME THAT I DO!

*Bonk….* Wisden twatted me over the head with her bat because I was starring at her too menacingly.

…

"Thanks, Wisden. I needed that." I said, sipping my honey tea.

"Caw." said Wisden, now perched atop my shoulder and drinking from the cup of tea in my other hand.

Not only was Wisden proficient in the swinging of a bat, she was also skilled in tea ceremony. She still didn't speak NPCs, so I was just lucky that I got that promo code for the animal subtitles DLC when I preordered this game. It was only good for one account, so sorry if you have trouble understanding Wisden's motherly eloquence.

"I'm really sorry about starring like that. I didn't mean to scare you."

"Caw!"

"Ha! I guess you're right."

…

To detract from the issues I may/may not, I'll talk a bit on Ventduchaud Village. It's a small island settlement between Lowee and neighboring Leanbox. It's a small town with little in the way of defense against monsters, but it manages to remain safe because the natural defenses offered by it's location. As an island settlement, the only way to get there by foot is through traversing the Stilsk Bridge, and any monster caught there is a sitting duck. There is the possibility of flying monsters and amphibious getting past, but they wouldn't normally go that far out of the way just to antagonize people.

"There it is, Wisden. The Stilsk Bridge!" I said, gazing at the very, very long stretch of gray concrete and asphalt that told me I still had a long way to walk. "My feet ache just looking at it…."

So Wisden and I walked. Actually Wisden just perched on my shoulder the whole time, but I held nothing against her for it. It makes me feel a little like a pirate, actually. Call me Chet Beard, the Easily Entertained! Fear Me!

Incidentally, fear was not the emotion I would instill within our next obstacle, a floating space pod/mechanical egg with laser turrets on the side. I wish I was kidding!

I got it into my head that a floating mechanical egg with turrets on it was somehow just part of the city's defenses, so I went over to it, introduced myself, "Hi! I'm Representative Chet, humble servant of the illustrious Lady White Heart, I'm here to deliver a message to-", and then I was shot with a laser!

"Ahh!" I yelled because I got shot, and getting shot hurts a little.

Okay, so my brothers back at the Basilicom are probably gonna call me Dumb Beard the Pirate if they ever found out about this, and being shot put in my head the suspicion that my egg friend was not my friend.

Getting to my feet, I got into fighting stance, reached for my whip, and waited for the battle music to start…. But the battle music wouldn't play. I was just standing there, waiting for my weapon to show up so I could fight, but I couldn't! I couldn't take my weapon out because the battle wouldn't start, but Humpty-Dumpty still had his lasers on my. You can imagine my immediate reaction.

"HEEEEEEELLLP MEEEEEEEEE!" I ran. Like wings were on my heels, I ran. Never before had I ever run so fast, but never before had I ever been presented with such motivation to run as an ingredient for the world's most hateful omelet.

"Caw! Caw!" Wisden squawked as she ineffectively bonked her bat over the chassis of the Egginator.

Oh, so she can attack robo-yolk, but I can't? What kind of arbitrary silliness is this? I know I'm an NPC, but why am I so unlucky? Did I piss off a hoodoo priest and got myself cursed? Someone answer me! C'mon!

I can't believe it! I'm gonna an arbitrary death because one day the combat system threw its hands up and said, "Nope! Don't feel like it today,".

Why am I so unlucky? At least I would die in… service… to Lady White Heart…. Goodness gracious! I gonna to die in service to Lady White Heart! WHOOPIE! This is fantastic news! I was actually going to fulfill my life goal! My duty as an NPC would be complete!

"FOR LADY WHITE HEART!" I yelled, with thoughts of A-cups.

I understood everything now! I would die inservice to Lady White Heart here and now. Not wishing to run from my destiny any longer, I stopped, turned around, jumped up, bit down on one of the Eggbot-3000's lasers, and waited for it to blow my head off my shoulders…. But that didn't happen.

I pondered for a while why I was still alive, still fellating the barrel of Egg Master's lasers, and then it dawned on me. Eggtype had been shooting at me the whole time, but Wisden was still bonking it with her bat.

"Did you just finish it off?" I asked, feeling like I had been cheated out of my ultimate destiny for a second time this month.

…

As it turns out, the egg bot, who was called RB9-1 by the townsfolk of Ventduchaud Village, was actually a sentry bot malfunctioning due to an incident with an ice cream cone, two chain saws, the and a fire juggler at the local substation caused a blackout, preventing communications with the outside world, and forcing Lady White Heart to send me out here.

I met with the town sheriff, who apologized for RB9-1 shooting me. He let me keep the droid because he got a new, bigger sentry bot with a missile launcher instead of an arm, and a chassis that could withstand getting hit by a bird with a cricket bat.

After some searching, I was able to find Ms. Geraldine, a nice but completely forgettable woman – a perfect match for Rodger, and deliver Lady White Heart's letter. Geraldine agreed to meet with Rodger.

So with my mission complete, I returned to the Basilicom with a pimping new sentry bot, and a frown on my face.

"Why was I frowning?" you ask.

I failed to die in service for Lady White Heart…. Again!


	4. Chapter 4

My morning started off fine, I suppose. I was still alive, but that in and of itself was a thing for which I had mixed feelings. I after getting out of bed, I walked to my bathroom, looked in the mirror, and to my dismay I saw that I was still an NPC silhouette.

Not having a real face puts a damper on things. Even though I'm pretty sure i'm in the majority here in Gameindustri, all the important people have character portraits. Hell, even Wisden and RB9-1 have character portraits, so forgive me if I'm a little prone to fantasizing what I'd look like.

I don't really know what'd I'd look like as an illustrated character, but I've been told that my voice is pretty, so my appearance must be pretty as well. I like to think that I'd have short, wavy, orange hair, golden eyes, and a smile from which the syllables for the word "fabulous!" flow naturally like a calming run of water flowing down a river brook.

In accordance with my above stated fabulousness, my wardrobe would be similarly fabulous. As a dandy, would wear dress shirts all year round and never get too hot unless the script states that I must be. I would wear a long green coat with golden buttons, and trimmings and such because my hair is orange like rind of mandarin; the gold would match my eyes. I might end up looking like the leprechaun from the front of the cereal box in his formal wear, but it's a chance I'm willing to take! I work hard! I deserve to feel like a princess for a day!

…

I went out with RB9-1 today. He doesn't talk much, so I didn't get to learn much about him. Wisden came with us, too, so I guess we're officially an adventuring party now.

_ADVENTURE_!

As it turns out, I can't buy actual guns for RB, but I can buy him bigger and better laser rounds to shoot. Rounds that will never run out…. I also bought a new whip for me because my old one didn't give me the sexy feel I wanted from when I struck down monsters. I also bought Wisden a new bat, after which she showed me much affection.

I felt silly only buying weapons, and I've set aside quite a lot of spending money from my job sitting on my silhouetted ass, so I decided that today was going to be a day for shopping. I'll admit to losing the better portion of my credits buying Lady White Heart's autographed scarf, but I will certainly never allow myself to regret that.

I sent Wisden and RB back because I didn't want them to bear witness to buy more fan goods. I already have one body pillow of each of the goddesses (I actually own several of Lady White Heart: one to use, one for my collection, the rest are reserve, you know how it is).

…

After getting back to the Basilicom, I started to worry why I had no definite job around the place other than do whatever Lady White Heart says. It's not that I mind doing whatever she asks; that's happens to be how most of my happy fantasies play out when I'm not the butler to a heroine in an Altelier game. She'd have short hair and A-cups, natch. Or a really, really cute bottom.

Anyways, I voiced my concerns over my position to Lady White Heart, who still had no idea what I was supposed to do, so she sent me out again to pickup the figurine she ordered from the Weekly Sunday Magazine. This and that were completely unrelated, so I got the figurine and pleaded with Lady White Heart to take my troubles seriously.

As m'lady is a benevolent goddess, she decided to send me to Planeptune to learn the ways of the NPC Representative from their nation's Representative. I suggested going to the closer nation of Leanbox, but Lady White Heart told me that she didn't want one of her's falling to the forces of the big breasted. I tried to tell her that I wasn't interested in breasts that weren't perfect and flat, but then she called me a sick pervert and condemned me from her office. So off to Planeptune I go!

_ADVENTURE_! The Basilicom had me going on foot, but _ADVENTURE_!

Wisden and RB went with me because we were officially a party now!

…

The road to Planeptune was as arduous and as lively as a trip through Mt. Moon, and this "wonderful" stroll was made even more like a trip through Mt. Moon with all the low level monsters that constantly attacked us like the zubats. Rather than take up your time with tedious level grinding filler, I will instead take up your time with a recollection of my life from childhood until now. Please enjoy.

I was born to the most wonderful parents in the world. My Father, a native Lowee, was a farmer NPC, and my mother was the daughter of a merchant NPC from Leanbox, so I am indeed a halfer.

My story really began in elementary school. I started off with everyone as my friend, but as the years went on, the school kids broke into groups, and I, being a halfer with a stupid name, became the kid who got left out. I was called mean names and picked on a lot pretty much everyday. Then I beat them up, and then no one would pick on me anymore.

Middle school was probably some of the most memorable years of my life. I joined the choir, and…. Enough about middle school!

High school years weren't too bad. Both my parents died in a fire at a New Year's party they'd gone to. They wanted me to go with them, but I told them that I had homework to do. In truth, the only thing I was doing was my loli math teacher because I sucked at math and she had serious issues about being thirty and single. I was pretty torn up that the last thing I said to my parents was a lie, but that was years ago, I'm over it, like, 15000% now.

**ANYWHOOOO**, I went to the National Parochial College and graduated with outstanding honors, earning my baccalaureates in theology, and later divinity, and I was well on my way to becoming one of Lowee's esteemed sanctified. Thank you orphan aid! I couldn't have done it with out you!

It was during my last few years of my schooling that I did indeed fall in love with a wonderful, flat-chested woman. We had been going out for three years before we decided to finally get married. I remember our wedding day; I had gone through three wedding planners, drew blood against two of them, and, after much tribulation, finally found a tux that didn't pinch my buttocks.

It was an out door affair, my honey insisted. I remember standing there for I don't know how long. I wanted to see my darling in her dress. When she finally came out, she looked beautiful, I can't deny that. She wanted to wait for our wedding night to consummate our love, and I respected that, for we were truly in love. However, there is no such thing as true love, and in her wedding dress that day, displayed proudly, were a pair of sweater puppies. DDs.

The wedding was canceled before I could ask how she managed to hide them all this time because I don't like liars, or big tits.

And that's how I grew to become the paragon of social competence and emotional stability that I am today! Thanks for sitting through all this! It probably wasn't that interesting or funny, but I feel better for some reason. I really do. You guys are awesome, so leave me a review, and maybe we could chat! Bye!


	5. Chapter 5

After grinding no less than six levels out of the weakest foes because this is Planeptune and I made the mistake of letting RB9-1 lead because my feet were hurting. Of course, I can't really blame **him** for that. He's a sentry bot; his brain is very literally hardwired to eliminate these monsters. Wisden also has a habit of attacking monsters out of instinct, but that's usually limited to rodent-like monsters and other small animal types.

RB and Wisden are more adept to finding their way than I am, but their tendency to attack monsters on sight when I'd rather get away from them plays against me a bit. It's a give and take is what it is, I guess.

Anyway, **PLANEPTUNE**! **Woo**!

So we'd finally arrived in this nation's main city, but I had no chuffing idea which routes led me to where the Basilicom was, and which led me to the annual slutty cosplay, and I'll change the subject before I question why I wouldn't want to go to that. Naturally, my first instinct was to find the nearest loli, and…. Okay, so I should probably leave the instinct stuff to my animal companions, or rather my animal companion and robot.

The thought occurred to me that I could have Wisden fly up and lead us to the correct root from above, it's just a shame that it didn't occur to the game developers. I mean, c'mon Idea Factory! I know that you're sticking with a sugar rush induced formula that works as far as this series goes, but you made one of my party members a bird! I'm not asking for an entire flight battle system. A "bird's-eye view", pardon the term, is all I ask. I just expect for you to live up to your name and come up with some new ideas, Idea Factory! Does that make me a bad fan?

So after trying my hardest to resist buying anything from the local… I'm gonna call it the Goddess fan goods store, decided that the best way to reach the Basilicom was to look up at the larges building there, and hope that this road I'm walking on will lead to where I'm headed.

On my way to the Basilicom, I met a good many semi-lolis (lolis in-training, if you will), and just to clarify, I do not deem anyone under the age of sixteen to be a loli. Lolis, to me at least, must have grown of age, yet must have maintained their childlike appearance in spite of their age. Therefore, young women who skirt the age of consent and have yet to reach a dream crushing growth spurt are at the most trying period for would-be lolis.

And if you ask me, no, I guess I wouldn't say that out loud in public….

Then we made it. We reached the Basilicom! Walked up to steps leading to the entrance of that large, purple spiral, and entered. Immediately, I was met by one of Planeptune's sanctified, whom I suspect may have been trying to exit just before I came in, or that's the impression I got from how his face was all smashed against the door. I apologized, of course, and he politely asked me who I was. I told him that I was NPC Representative Chet, of Lowee, and servant of Lady White Heart. To this, he replied that he never heard of me, and that there was no notice of Lowee's representative visiting, so I was placed in a locked room with a two-way mirror on one of the walls until things could be sorted out. Purple Progress does not equate to hospitality, as it would seem.

…

Once everything was settled and I was free to go – after no less than twenty-six hours – I could finally meet with Planeptune's NPC Representative, a woman by the name of Michelle, and her pet attack dog, Viktor, who nearly tore my arm off.

…

I regained consciousness two hours later with my arm all stitched up and ready to go! Life is great when every day is as exciting as mine. Anyways, I sat down with Vicky after she agreed to keep Vicky Mutt locked up in another room on the complete opposite end of the Basilicom from where we were speaking, and we talked.

This is the point where I give a description of Representative Michelle to put off advancing the story, but since she has a simple. female NPC silhouette like instead of a face I have very little to stall with.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Representative Michelle." I started, the pain in my arm subsiding somewhat as I took my mind away from it.

"It's nice to meet **you**, Representative Chet." she said, cheerily. "You can call me Mickey. I don't really prefer it to Lady Purple Heart's Nep-Rep, but only she and Lady Nepgear may call me that."

"What's so cute." I laughed at that. "I've heard similar stories of Planeptune's CPU (on Youtube, of course). You're patron's bubbliness is legendary throughout Gameindustri!"

"Lady Purple Heart is really something, isn't she?"

"I know exactly how you feel." My thoughts drift to Lady White Heart. "Ah…. Our Goddesses, eh?"

"I know, huh…." said Mickey, with a dream like glaze over her eyes.

We talked on about our respective CPUs. By the sound of it, her job was much like mine, taking care of our Goddesses' frivolous paperwork. We shared much the same interest. She even had a complete set of Planeptune CPU Traiding Cards, and she nearly jumped when I told her about my Histoire and Compa wall scroll. Yes, Mickey and I got off swimmingly. She and I could have developed this into a wonderful romance, but her silhouetted breasts were a c cup, so we weren't getting any farther than the friend-zone.

…

"I hope you enjoyed your stay in Planeptune, Representative Chet, of Lowee." said Mickey, as she waved me off.

The sun set was donning upon us. Dusk would fall long before my party and I would ever reach Lowee, but with the sun falling in the sky, I turned back toward my fellow Representative.

"It has been most informative, my sister. Let us speak again soon!" I said, with the orange sky as the backdrop to my farewell. "Please visit Lowee sometime, I would love to show you around!" I would also love if your breast were two cups smaller. "Please give my regards to Lady Purple Heart."

So with the thoughts of Lady White Heart's perfect airport runway titties pushing me forward, I ventured toward Lowee with Wisden and RB at my sides. Life is good when you are me. I kinda was expecting a boss fight, but oh well. Life is good.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm running out of orthodox transitional phrases. How many times have I used the word "after" to start a paragraph? I fear that I am becoming predictable in my own idiosyncratic way, so as a bit of a break from my usual entertaining fare…, I will place my hand on a lit stove top until I become interesting again, or until the damage to my hand becomes irreparable, whichever comes first.

...

"Not my smartest idea!" I admitted as my silhouetted hand was somehow burned even blacker than it usually was.

The ceiling in the Basilicom's kitchen has become a lot more interesting now that all feeling has been lost in my arm. Even though it was only an arm that felt like it had taken the scenic a route through a fiery white sun to reach another planet, my legs weren't moving. That's probably because of the unholy pain that I experienced, but oh well…. I think I'm blacking out….

The colors around me all blurred like… like… like something really blurry. I don't know, my arm hurts real bad, and I don't feel like…. I don't….

Yep…. The Representative is…. Out….

…  
…

Light pours down above me from cracks between leaves on trees. I'm lying on my stomach, and my face is to the side. Grass pokes at my right side eardrum, and the sounds I hear are that of Spring, the coy chirping of timid birds as they return to their northern homes, reborn tree leaves swaying in the gentle breeze, and the shifting of little feet in the grass.

…

And then I woke up.

"Aww! I thought that was leading up to something!" I whined, dissatisfied with the state of my dream. "That was just cruel!"

"Well, good morning to you, too…." said an all too familiarly magnanimous voice, sounding dejected.

I looked up, and I saw that it was Lady White Heart who was speaking to me. Immediately, my higher brain wanted slapped himself in the face and threatened to cut my tongue if I spoke that way to our CPU ever again.

"I-I…." Boy, was I eloquent today, or what? "Lady White Heart, I'm so sorry!" I got to my feet, and immediately got back down to prostrate myself. "This worthless servant is not worthy to stand in your shadow!"

"Calm, down. I get it. You were dreaming." Lady White Heart stated it in a way so wonderfully succinct. "I found you passed out on the floor, and I revived you. What happened in here?"

"To be honest, Lady White Heart…" I have no clue. I just woke up and my hand is completely numb. "I'm not even sure why myself. All I know for certain is that I have no feeling in my hand at all."

"Well, the stove is still lit. Did you burn yourself?" she asked, worriedly.

"I must've had my hand on there for a while to get it burned like this." Knowing me, I probably went and burnt myself as an act of penance. "I'm sorry to worry you, Lady White Heart."

"You don't need to be. Actually, I should be the one apologizing…." said Lady White Heart, to my confusion. "To tell the truth, I was only looking for you because I needed a break from writing my name on pieces of paper…."

"There's no need for you to apologize, m'lady. Were it not for you, I'd still be a bump on the galley floor."

"Yeah, well, I think I'm getting to complacent with you doing most of my work for me…." Lady White Heart's cheeks flush slightly. She's embarrassed, and I think it's the most beautiful thing.

"I exist to serve you, m'lady. Whatever you wish, I will do everything within my limited power to aide you." I'd do so much more, if only you'd ask me, Lady White Heart.

"I just wanted you to do my paper work so I could go to a convention tomorrow…." Admittedly, that's not the most selfless thing I've heard come out of Lady White Heart's mouth. "It was selfish of me, and I'm sorry."

Is she acting this cute because I got myself hurt? Goodie goodness! I should do this more often! "If that's the case, why don't we work together to get your work done for tomorrow. That way, you'll be free for your convention tomorrow!"

"But what about your hand?" she asked.

"Don't worry, Lady White Heart, I'm ambidextrous!" I hardly ever use my right hand anyway.

"You're a weirdo." Lady White Heart looked at me like I asked her for a knife to peel off all the dead skin off my hand. Speaking of, I should do that before I fall asleep tonight.

…

With the help of a sandblaster, some gauze, and a whole lot of wrap, I managed to get my arm in well enough condition that Lady White Heart would let me work with her. She was against the idea because my arm had all the texture of a four-cheese pizza earlier, and I suppose that might've worried her.

"I think it's time we took a break!" said Lady White Heart, stretching her arms out and yawning a bit.

"Would you like some more tea, Lady White Heart?" I asked.

"Actually, I still didn't drink the cup you poured for me earlier, but thank you anyway." She took her cup in her hand and sipped honey tea. "You sure can brew some good tea."

"You flatter me, Lady White Heart." Now my cheeks are getting red.

"We're almost done, it's almost a shame to take a break now." said Lady White Heart as she reclines with a comfy look on her face. "Thanks again for helping me today. I wouldn't have gotten it all done this fast on my own."

"Tis' my duty, Lady White Heart." It helps that hopeless love for you is boundless, m'lady.

Actually, the term "love" is a little too strong here. Maybe "admiration" would better fit. I admire Lady White Heart, and not just for her little titties, but those certainly don't hurt. She has led my home nation of Lowee into an era of success over our rivals in Leanbox, Lastation, and Planeptune. It is with all credit to her that my people can live in this land of magic, blithe and fearless. So, more than simple admiration, I am grateful to Lady White Heart. I am grateful that, for all her fury and occasional selfishness, she makes time to save our world. I thank you, Lady White Heart, whose selfless perseverance led us into this age of prosperity. You've given me reason to believe in the brighter side of humanity, you've become my light in the darkness. As my heart, once pain wracked and shattered by both loss and betrayal, palpitates in tune with the furious cadence of my every thought of you, I say that mine is a love. Be it the love of an admirer, or stalwart worshiper, or even baseless and timid eros, mine is for you, Lady White Heart. To the end of expressing my love, I will work until the day comes where I will draw my last breath to be of service to you, Lady White Heart.

"Oh, Chet, could you pour me another cup of tea?" asked Lady White Heart, smiling my way.

Of course I'm too chicken to say any of that to her face. "I am a chicken. Cluck. Cluck." For now, I'm content to play the fool.

"You are so odd…." she says, still smiling as if trying to hold in laughter.


	7. Chapter 7

So its that day again. That day when I usually meet you guys, my day off. Actually, it's only because it's my day off that we can meet like this, unless any of you guys want to be made privy to what my workday is like, but I think we covered that sometime before. I just shuffle papers all day while trying to to be distracted by thoughts of tits. We **could** certainly do that, but I can't imagine that being all that interesting for anyone involved.

No. Today starts the much anticipated Arc Two, so things need to get rolling! I am pumped! I am ready! I am shopping in Lastation because I wanted to buy the newest eroge by ImoAi!

Okay, so that's not exactly the twelve labors of Hercules, but I'm not Hercules, I'm Representative Chet of Lowee, born Omniphilus Fingal Thornton, son of Scar and Reilly Thornton, farmer and farm wife. I'm more inclined to be the hero of a Harvest Moon game than any epic fantasy, of course Rune Factory has sort of bridged that gap….

Anyways, Lastation, the Land of Black Regality! Whoopa! Whoopa! Whoo! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so chuffing bored of this monorail!

Yes, Lastation is all about the new tech and such, but they've got the same problem Leanbox does. When they're spending all their money just on making their cities the prettiest, the quality of life isn't affected all that much by it. And would it kill them to play some music on these cars? Your city is very pretty Lastation, but the longer I look at it the more I regret not bringing my music!

I'm sorry if I sound a little pissy today, but there's something about Lastation that gets me feeling irritable. That's part of the reason why I didn't bring Wisden or RB with me. I think it might be something in the air….

*Arriving at Lastation Central City~! Please step away from the automatic doors~!*

Not even a "have a nice day"? That's another thing about Lastation: compared to Lowee, it's about as friendly as a komodo dragon to a wounded monkey, and only half as magical. That is, unless you count the smog in the air as a type of magic, in which case Lastation is more magical than Disney World.

"Keep calm, Representative. Stay cool, get your game, and get back to Lady White Heart." Great. Now, I'm talking to myself.

The place I'm looking for is called _The Kit Club_, and apparently also deals in model kits like toy mechas and planes and stuff.

…

Refreshingly, the place has been pretty much abandoned save for the cashier and myself. I'm guessing that the people here just don't like to leave their houses much for fear of burning in the sun, those dirty vampires….

I'm sorry, that was mean.

"There it is, ImoAi's newest addition to masterworks of man, _Daddy's Princess 5_!" I'm still talking to myself, apparently, but at least I've located my target.

There they were, the game's cover art depicted the, beautifully. The three heroines of the game, though the game forces me to choose only one, a task itself more difficult than all of Hercules's labors together! I would father one of these girls from her childhood to marrying age. In her future are many possibilities. Would she become an artist or a housewife, a warrior or a sorceress. Her future is in my humble hands. I shall not falter, I shall not fear, for my daughter's future demands that I remain stead fast, and – who the hell is that eyeing my daughter?

Just in front of me is some worthless sack of code and silhouette that dares look in the direction of my daughter. He's a wolf if I ever did see one. Without the need to think twice, I grabbed my girl and broke for the cash register, and then I was rugby tackled.

I hit the blue carpeted floor like what hit me was a big lorry rather than the petite young gentle man whose height could not be more than 4'8" at the very, very most. As I was down, the little bugger stole my prospective time sink away from me and made it to the register.

"Will you be using your points card with that?" said the cashier to the little hell spawn who stole my game.

I've never been an advocate for _excessive_ violence, but I think we all can agree that rugby tackling a man for a game is really, incredibly juvenile. For me to even think of continue and join in this cycle of violence wrong, and that no proper role model would ever engage in such low brow horseplay. However, I don't remember ever seriously giving any pretense to my status as a role model, for such would be false. So as a punch this little shit in his shit face, remember, kiddies, I am not a role model.

And then I punched him in his face. He fell to the ground with a thud, and I turned to speak with the cashier, who looked at me like I was a psychopath.

"I'll be paying in cash." I told him.

So I paid for my game and the sales tax with it, and then I got the hell out of there because I'm pretty sure I broke some sort of law.

"Wait!" what was either a young girl or a young boy whose dandy-o's had yet to fall cried out.

It was the same kid from before, but now he has a black eye.

"I'm not giving you this game, Constable Blimey Chips!" I was more than prepared to fight to defend what's mine.

"Look, you might not have understood this, but what you did was punishable by law!" said the little boy, who I will continue to refer to as Constable Blimey Chips.

"This coming from the little boy who rugby tackled me?"

"I didn't mean to…. Oh, forget it! I'm a girl, you moron!" The Constable yelled, his fists high above her head. "My name is Yautja Wolffe! I am the NPC Representative of Lastation. Surrender that game, and I may look past this grievance!"

"You're not very convincing with your black eye. And isn't Lastation's Representative supposed to be a girl?"

"Didn't I just tell you that I was a girl?"

"I don't believe you. Girls have breasts." and someone as wicked as the Constable couldn't possibly have A-cups so perfect.

"They're still growing!" Whenever I hear a loli say that, a part of me dies. Luckily, Constable Blimey Chips is a boy, and therefor cannot be a loli. "Just give me the game! I'll even pay you for it, and I won't have you thrown in jail for punching me!"

"If you really were the representative, you'd have to be at least 26, given the amount of schooling required."

"How'd you know that?" asked the Constable, confused.

"I am NPC Representative Chet of Lowee." You **will** know my name. "And I am appalled by your attitude, sir."

"What?" the Constable's eyes widened with horror now that she couldn't threaten me with jail time. Actually she probably still could, so I better run while she's confused.

"If you're done trying to abuse your power, Constable, I have somewhere I need to be." That place is away from here.

"Wait! I'll pay you twice what you paid at the store!" yelled the Constable as I fast walked away.

Appalled by the notion, I stopped to berate him. "Do you think that the upbringing of my loli daughter is equal in worth to a few credits? Don't make me lose my lunch, Constable."

"Loli?"

"Yes! Loli! By maintaining a proper diet, and staying the hell away from those evil buxomize pills, I will create the perfect being in my daughter. With this game, I plan to create the perfect flat chested daughter! The likes of which the world has never seen before!" I will herald a new age!

"You like… flat chests?"

That was the understatement of the day. "Like them? Nay…. I **love** them! I love flat chests! Flat chests are justice! Flat chests are power! Flat chests are passion! Flat chests are love! They are a rarity, a commodity, a status symbol! One day, all will bow down in **REVERENCE** to the A-cup, and they will see their **true** beauty!" Or they will die….

The Constable was awestruck. He knew what I was saying. He understood. It has been a long time coming, and sometimes I think my efforts for naught, but to see even a single face awaken to the world's greatest truth, my duty as a messenger of Lady White Heart is made more satisfying.

"I will let you touch my breasts." said the Constable, grabbing hold of my attention like a vice grabs hold of a sausage. "Give me the game, and I will let you touch my breasts."

…

It is not an exaggeration to say that I was face with a moral choice that has crippled many men before me, and while I venture into the the depths of my soul to find the path which will lead to prosperity, remember that I'm not a role model, so don't expect too much.


	8. Chapter 8

"I love you, Daddy! Thank you for everything you've done for me!" said my loli daughter, Elizabeth, on the day of her wedding.  
"I know, sweet heart. I know." I said, eyes teary with joy unparalleled from the opposite end of my laptop screen. "I can't believe that my little girl is finally getting married…."

It was no easy task getting my little darling to this point. All those years taking classes in sorcery was worth it. At eighteen years of age, my daughter, Elizabeth Chet, magical girl and five time champion of the capitol city's Combat Competition, and her demon bridegroom Dodecahedron, my former manservant, are to be wed in the Church of Moon Father.

"Th-Thank you for your blessing, Sir!" Dodecahedron is still nervous around me after asking for my permission to my daughter. He should realize by now that he is the only man alive whom I would trust Elizabeth to. "I won't let you down! I will take care of Elizabeth with everything I have!" He's such a nerd, but he's a good boy.

A list of dialog options appear for me on screen. They range from the stern father-in-law to the proud father in terms of their wording, but one sticks out at me, so I click at it.

"If you really want to make me proud, give me grand-babies!" I am an awesome man. "Send 'em hot and quick. I want as many as you can churn out, and I want them fast as you can churn them out!"

"S-Sir!" Dodecahedron is blushing like mad.

"Don't give me that face, Boy! I'mma getting some grand-babies out of you if it's the last thing I do!" I'd like it if you name your first boy Scar, after my father. "Elizabeth!"

"Yes, Daddy?" my little girl looks so beautiful as a loli bride…. Goodness, I'm actually tearing up.

"Elizabeth, I want you to take this man, and I don't want you to let him sleep until you pop out a rugrat!" I really, really, really want to buy myself one of those Grandpa of the Year mugs.

Such is the conclusion of my first play through of _Daddy's Princess 5: Father of the Year Edition_…. It only took me thirty-two hours to get through it all. Let's play again!

…

"So I had to wait a week to play _Daddy's Princess 5_ because Constable Blimey Chips actually turned out to be a girl, and I regret nothing. I got the bonus DLC in the _Father of the Year Edition_ once the game came to Lowee, so I can't really complain. I'm not usually a supporter of day one DLC, but when the stuff opens up whole new areas not included on the game disk, I think that's fine. It shows that it's not **just** a money grab."

"What attracts you about the _Daddy's Princess_ games? It's not something I could see a grown man speaking with his friends about." said my psychiatrist, Dr. Hanna Lector, over one hour into our session today.

"Well, there's something inside me that makes my heart go pitter-pat at the idea of a cute little girl calling me 'Daddy'." When I get home today, I think I'll start on another save file. Maybe this time, I'll have her take classes as a fighter.

"I think that's great! It's normal for people to want families." said Hanna, understandingly.

"I'm not sure how good of a father I would be…." I still don't think myself a proper role model. "_Daddy's Princess_ plays to my fantasies. That's all."

"And you're a daddy in your fantasies?" asked Hanna.

"You make it sound creepy when you put it like that." I told her. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to someday have loins bear fruit, is it?" Golly, that sounded even worse!

"No there isn't. Personally, I think it's very sweet." said Hanna. "Did you ever want children before hand?"

For the record, while I do call Hanna my psychiatrist, I don't call her doctor because I'm not really her client. This isn't her office, this is her house. She's just my friend, and I confide in her. I still call her my psychiatrist, and we're definitely more than friends, but psychiatrist is a lot less cumbersome to say than ex-fiancée.

"When we were together, I thought a lot about having kids."

"Omni…." she's blushing.

"Han." and I'm teasing her.

…

Work is work for me. I don't show me working for the same reason they don't show kids in doing school work in a high school anime. It's boring. School is boring, and work is boring. One could expect that working under the White Goddess of Beauty, Perfection, and Temperament would be sort of exciting, but she doesn't just waltz through on ice skates every day just to entertain us. She's the CPU! She has work for me to do.

I'm kidding of course. While Lady White Heart does pass on much of her paper work to me, she has other responsibilities. Not the least of which is the near constant supervision of Lowee's two CPU Candidates, Rom and Ram, whom I've been explicitly told to keep away from by Lady White Heart herself. And I can't see why. I may love girls of the flat chest, but I'm not even sure how old Rom and Ram are. I am a legal loli lover, damn it! **Legal**!

Oh well, I'm still of questionable moral compass, but no one will mistake me for a villain today. Hanna and I are out on a stroll, and if anyone mistakes Hanna and her _ballistiques_ for a loli, I will rip out my own left lung, deep fry it, and eat it with marinara sauce.

"When was the last time went out like this, Omni?" asked Hanna, my hand in hers.

"I don't think we've been out together much at all since I became Lowee's NPC Representative." I said, caressing the valley between her thumb and forefinger with my thumb.

"I still can't believe you were given such a…" she paused to look for the right word. "a grandiose position!"

"Sometimes I feel as if I'm dreaming it all up." The thought is worth a chuckle.

I always find myself feeling more calm around Hanna, even if her enormous breasts turn me off like a lactose intolerant lightbulb at Dairy Queen. I'm just glad that we could stay friends after we broke up, even though Hanna's parents haven't forgiven me yet….

"Omni, who is this?" asked Hanna, as a we were approached by a little boy…. Aww, crap.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

All the way from Lastation was Constable Blimey Chips, whom I haven't seen hide nor breast of since our little stint outside the game shop.

"Chet, I've been wanting to ask, you didn't take a picture while my shirt was up, right?" asked the Constable, who must not have noticed that I was holding hands with a beautiful woman.

And why would I need a picture when I've committed it to memory?

"Shirt up? Omni, what is he talking about." asked Hanna.

I'm pretty sure this isn't a harem comedy, is it? 'Cause I'm not interested in either of these women. And I use the term "woman" loosely for Constable Blimey Chips. Speaking of, is a woman constable still a constable, or is there a female equivalent? Someone, please inform me before I die. If this is a harem comedy, that might be soon, if Love Hina is anything to go by.


	9. Chapter 9

Hello, this is Representative Chet of Lowee speaking. If I may be so bold as to take up a moment of tour time, I'd like to speak on the subject of evil. Rather than the obvious evils of piracy, heresy, the hapless schmucks who refuse to address the previous chapter's harem genre-esque cliffhanger ending because he doesn't need that kind of drama in his idyllic fantasy world, or even the biblical evils of large boobies. I'd like to talk about real time simulation games.

Yes, yes…. Real time simulation games. I'm talking about those games online where you have to feed your pet everyday so that they stay happy, or those console games where there's like a real time day between going to the shop to repair your fishing rod and picking up your newly fixed fishing rod. You see a lot of these on social media websites where you'll start off planting level one razz berries and incubating fire dragon eggs for ten seconds, and the game naturally progresses until you're willing to wait twenty whole hours for you sexy volcanic ash dragon to hatch and another two hours for his food to finish growing.

Yes those games. They're ingeniously designed, I'll give them that. They slowly lure you in with cute little animals and dragons and such, but then you're hooked, you're one of them. You started playing the game on a whim, but now you're hooked. You've fallen from grace. Now what's become of you? You're not playing the game. The game is playing you! Who is it that commits to feeding their interstellar bread dragon every day? Isn't that interstellar bread dragon supposed to be listening to you? Why are you catering to it's every need, huh? Who's the real master when you're working to grow food for it. It's even worse when they can't dye. Sure the game might tell you that your new dragon overlord is dying of starvation while making a sad face, but wait a week, he'll still be there no matter how long you keep him on that starvation diet. But no, you'll still be responsible for them, won't you? You monster!

Naïve fools, let this be a lesson for you. Quit now, and seek help!

This has been a message from Farm Villagers Anonymous, and paid for by the Chet Ignoring Harem Genre-esque Cliffhangers Because He Doesn't Need That Kind of Drama in His Idyllic Fantasy World Foundation: The CIHGCBHDNTKDHIFWF, leaving you hanging since the end of chapter eight.

…

I'm almost done for today! Hooray! I can't believe how sickeningly arduous shuffling papers has become for me. I have to read through all of this! It never ends! How many trees must have died to make so much paper? Or did they make it out of bear poo? I don't know, but I don't care! Whoever's sending me all this useless busy work should be sent to his own hell where he suffers from an eternal storm of paper and ink so that all his skin is flayed by paper cuts ad infinitum an have it all grow back the next day to have it flayed again!

"Hello, Chet." said a heavenly woman whom I have the pleasure of knowing and revering.

"Good day, Lady White Heart." It refreshes me to say that more than any chewing gum could hope to fathom. "How my I be of service to you today, my lady."

"Nothing really. I just wanted to see what you were up to." said Lady White Heaaaaaaa-!

*Eh! Eh! Oooooooooooong!*

I'm sorry about that. That would have killed anybody using headphones, but I think my brain just caught something in its gears. Did Lady White Heart actually say that to me?

"What do you mean by that, Lady White Heart?" I asked, grabbing hold of the strings in my brain which control my heart, whose fervent palpitations threaten to end my life. Am I blushing? I think I am.

"Don't go blushing like an idiot!" scolded Lady White Heart, making my heart race even more furiously.

"What do you mean, Lady White Heart?" I am so happy right now….

"Look, I only came here because I like hearing you talk." she affirmed.

Is the way I talk really that entertaining? That isn't the first time I've heard someone say that, but I still don't get it. Who would sit and listen to me talk on and on and on? Oh well, it's not like anyone would read through nine chapters, of my psychotic blethering.

"I get that a lot…." I admit. "What would you like to talk about, my lady?"

"Nothing in particular. Just say something witty." she commanded.

"Lady White Heart, I enjoy speaking with you, but I am not one of those fortune teller machines you find on a pier." I'd have a lot more change on me if I were, and a fancy turban.

"If I give you credits, will you dance?" said Lady White Heart.

"Am I a stripper, now?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of one of those organ grinder monkeys that dance in the street."

"So I'm a monkey?" I certainly hope she's joking. If this is how Lady White Heart thinks of me, I see no reason for me to continue this piteous and worthless existence. "That's cruel of you, Lady White Heart…."

"C'mon. I was joking, so lighten up." she said, tapping me in the back with her fist. "I didn't think Chet the Byron could get so emo."

"Chet the Byron?" I seem to have picked up another weird nickname. At least it's better than being called 'Name Boy'.

"Me and the rest of the Sanctified have been trying to figure out what to call you. Other names include: The Demon of Trifling Noise, The Dark Herald of Confusion, Chet the False Prophet, The Loli Eater…."

I don't know how I should feel about that last one. "I'd feel honored if those all weren't such ghastly names. I at least understand the rest of those names, but why 'Chet the Byron'?"

"You're well spoken, obviously troubled, and really, really prissy." She chuckles at that last piece.

"I'm not that eloquent. You flatter me, m'lady." I don't always like being the butt of a joke, but the ones my brothers in the Sanctified come up with are harmless enough. "I have to thank you, Lady White Heart. If it weren't for you, I'd probably wouldn't be where I am today."

"That's not true, Chet. You're a hard worker. Have more faith in yourself."

"I'm serious Lady White Heart. When I was about to graduate from high school, I had absolutely no direction in my life. At all!"

I remember my graduation day. Well, not really. I remember the day of graduation; I didn't go but to see my friends graduate. I was in the top quarter of my grade because my granddad told me that getting good grades would at least fill me with a sense of pride, but it didn't. I snuck out halfway because I really didn't want to be there.

I eventually wandered into the gym and saw a bunch of flyers and crap from the career day last month in a bin. I wondered for a little while why they weren't taken out to the dumpster weeks ago, but then I started looking at them. I didn't want to be a burden on my grandparents forever, so I knew I had to at least start thinking about my career.

So I took all those flyers and posters of the different careers and opportunities and stuck them to the wall with some bandages from a first aid kit I found in the boy's locker room. My idea was to play like I was throwing darts at a board without looking, but I didn't have any darts so I used a pencil. That didn't turn out to be all to great an idea because naturally the thing bounced off the wall of careers I set up and went strait up into my nose. I only got a scratch from it, but my nose was bleeding all the same.

"Screw this! I'm just gonna work in the for the CPU!" I said, angry and not meaning a word of it.

That was a really common joke when I was in high school. Your grades low? "Devote your life in service to our goddess", or something silly like that. Everyone just assumed all you had to do to be a Sanctified was be an avid worshiper, but the requirements to get the job are actually quite rigid.

So when I started my college education, I began working toward a career in the Basilicom. I didn't actually mean to keep it, but I came to like the idea of working for my loli goddess. I liked the idea of doing a meaningful job. I liked the idea that I was helping out my fellow man through service to Lady White Heart. I really, really liked Lady White Heart's tight, loli body. Sure, I didn't really think I'd be where I am today, but things turned out okay.

"I have you to thank for everything I have today, Lady White Heart. No matter my situation, I am thankful, and I don't think that there is anyone quite as amazing as you." I thought that out loud, in full ear shot of Lady White Heart.

"Wha- What did I do?" she's embarrassed again. Really, Lady White Heart blushes easily. "Quite being s-so-so…? Just get back to work, got it?" I sometimes wonder why she's so up tight when people, but I don't think it really matters.

"Yes, Lady White Heart." I am your eternal servant.


	10. Chapter 10

I don't have any papers on me today because I'm on my way to Leanbox. I've business to be busy with there, and we have yet to meet the representative there. To be honest, it's Lady White Heart who will be on business, but there's still plenty work for me to get done.

Lady White Heart and Lady Green Heart are to meet today to discuss something I assume to be very important. I was told exactly what they were speaking about before by Lady White Heart, but I'm lost to remember what that could have been because I'm seriously depressed over the thought of Lady Green Heart and her rolling hills being the first other CPU to show up in this story. I kinda wish she was the goddess of Planeptune, though. Goodness knows how many Green Hill jokes I could make if she were. She could lose a hedgehog in that cleavage!

Of course I have others:  
Bounce a dime? You could bounce a Jeep off those mounds!  
Quiver at the incredible military power of Leanbox! Just look at those torpedoes!  
Motor boating is fun, but with Lady Green Heart you need scuba gear!  
Leanbox is known for it's vast mountain ranges!  
Lady Green Heart is great fun at the beach! She always brings the volleyballs!

Okay, I'm good. I'll stop now.

…

"Well this is definitely one way to make your first appearance. The trip-slide-panty shot maneuver is a difficult one to pull off correctly." It's an old trick, but a well executed TSP shot is always a welcome surprise. This is especially true when the one doing the executing has such a splendid rump. "Pure white cotton, eh? Classic."

And then I was hit in the face with an oar.

*TWAT!* And that is the sound I'm going with for that.

"When a woman falls down, you help her up, you boor!" said Ms. Whitebottom, retracting her oar, which I would say she pulled out from her ass, but I had my eyes on that thing the whole time. I mean the whole time. By that I mean I was staring at her wonderful, plump, and spankable bottom. "Now help me up!"

"If you can pull an oar out of you-" And then Ms. Whitebottom graciously gave me another hit off her oar.

*TWAT!*

Out of sheer dislike for me, and maybe because the stone floor was a little cold, Ms. Whitebottom forced herself up and all sight of her namesake white, cotton buttocks sheath was lost. Boy that sounded dirty now that I think about it.

"Fall down again, I want to see your bottom." I wouldn't actually say that, of course. I don't want to get slapped with an oar again.

"What kind of slack jawed-" Ms. Whitebottom continued to berate me for being such a horrible person, I'm not going to relay everything she said about me because I'd have to brush my teeth afterwards.

Ms. Whitebottom, better known around Leanbox's Basilicom as NPC Representative Yew, was… a strapping young woman. Green hair, sleeveless black robe that fell to the floor, and a cute witches' hat to complete the look. I have to say, for a girl with such a lovely storybook end on her to wear such unflattering attire…. It's just sinful. It's also a little irritating. By the look of her, she's a B-cup at the very, very most, and that means she's well within range of my tastes. I just wish that I could be sure.

Of course, I am a little off put by the fact that **SHE GETS A REAL CHARACTER PORTRAIT AND I DON'T**, but my irritation is mild at best.

"It's nice to finally meet you Representative Yew. I apologize that you had to wait ten chapters for your introduction." I told her.

"You're still a-" To be honest, what Ms. Whitebottom says isn't really that horrible, but it is a mouthful. She has quite the way with words. They're very mean words, but she's still very well versed with them. "Is that how you do things in Lowee? Just leave women on the ground?"

"I wish you would've called yourself a lady. I would have gone out of my way to say otherwise about you and your oar."

Is that thing meant to be her weapon or something? She's dressed up like a witch. I can appreciate the more retro feel of her wardrobe as opposed to DLC hotties like MAGES., whose name I can pronounce correctly only half the time, but why an oar? What does a witch do with an oar? Does she use it as a personalized flight stick? Brooms would be the obvious choice, and long wizardy staves the obvious second, but why an oar? Granny bikes, UFO-type flying saucers, and flying vacuum cleaners for the witch wants to keep up with the Johnson are all things I would understand, but my earlier question still stands, "what [the hell] does a witch do with an oar,"?

"I fear that my question will go unanswered…." I unwittingly blurted out something strange.

"To answer your question, mine are still growing…." said Ms. Whitebottom, who must have heard word of me somehow.

Legend of my loli love precedes me, I assume.

"It kills me to hear a girl with a figure so wonderful say something so abhorrent." but now I know for certain that her titties are tiny. A happy loli lover am I. "Be more proud of your body, it is a thing of excellence." Have you seen your own ass, woman? Marvelous does not begin to describe.

"Stop talking about my body, you boor!" Ms. Whitebottom seems to like that word. "I live in Leanbox! It's bad enough being flat when everyone else is so busty, but the last thing I want is to attract perverts like you!"

*And then I slapped the woman*

"Don't you see? You chest is a thing to be revered, this is especially true in a nation such as this. It is the mountain that garners the most attention, but those who fail to see the beauty in the flatlands and the meadows are unworthy to experience them." I took her hands right then, partly to emphasize my motives, but mostly to keep her from hitting me in the face with her oar. "It is in the meadows that the most beautiful flowers do grow. You have been blessed my sister. Be happy. Be jubilant. Be thankful, for you have been born a beautiful, beautiful woman…."

Ms. Whitebottom and I stare into each others eyes, unblinkingly. I know not why she holds her stare. Perhaps she thinks me a fool or a creep, perhaps she think of me as an earnest man, but that's wishful thinking. I know that my ways may seem strange, but I am steadfast in my beliefs. My words are true to my heart. That may make me sound no less foolish, but I am earnest. I may be a fool, but let me be an earnest fool.

…

**THE END**… of chapter ten


	11. Chapter 11

For those of you wondering from whence I raise my sermons concerning women's breasts and the sexy flatness there of, I wrote cookie fortunes as a way to make extra money while I was in high school. I suppose it has made me quite well suited to the sudden pontification of my dogmata, which is both purple and blue.

Ms. Whitebottom actually seemed to like what I said. She only hit me in the face with her oar four times, rather than four million. My face has seen better days, but I'll brush that off on the fact that I'm having trouble seeing out of my left eye.

"You look like crap…." said Ms. Whitebottom, who wasn't above kicking a man in the face after she just took him down with her oar. "Do you know why that is?"

Of course, internal hemorrhaging is rarely a serious issue. I can look over these grievances because my assailant has such a splendid…. Ass. **Ass**ailant! Ha ha! "Yes, I do know why that is. What baby don't got hanging in the front, baby got hanging from the back." This works out well for me, because I don't care much for large breasts, if you haven't noticed.

Ms. Whitebottom shoots me a glare that tells me I'm dangerously close to getting my lights taken out again. "Shut up! This is a sort of harassment too, you know? Your conduct does not befit an NPC Representative." and your oar does not befit such a nice bum – I mean witch.

"Why do you carry around an oar, anyway? You're going with the who nice bottom theme," damn, I did it again, "so why don't you carry a broom or staff?"

"I can't stir a cauldron with a broom." said Ms. Whitebottom.

"You have a cauldron?"

"I'm a witch. What else am I suppose to throw my eyes of newt into?" Ms. Whitebottom poses an superb question.

To that, I am forced to concede. "You have me there. Now, can I flip up the back of your skirt?"

"Why would you even ask that?" she asked.

"Because you have a sexy booty. I thought that I established that with sufficient detail." I'm beginning to believe that Ms. Whitebottom isn't the best listener.

"What? No!" She's cute when she's blushing.

"Very well. I will restrain myself…. Which is all the more difficult when I look at your face…."

She looked to want to ask why that was, but she also seemed afraid of what my answer could be. "Why…. Why do you say that?"

"Because you look so cute."

Ms. Whitebottom got out her oar again, and I'm beginning to wonder where she stores that thing. She hits me with it, but not hard enough to produce the usual *TWAT!*. She does it very soft this time, producing more of a *bop….*. Is that what you call a love tap?

…

"I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Lady White Heart. Piteous had me reading out chapter one of this story for his youtube page." I explained my prolonged absence for Lady White Heart. She greets me with a smile, for she is a benevolent goddess, and she will show leniency to even a worthless scrub such as I. "Voice acting is a lot more difficult than it looks. Especially the small bits like the sound feet rustling over grass."

If you're interested in hearing my voice blether on: watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

"It's fine. Talks with Leanbox's CPU dragged on longer than the cookies that were on the table, but Vert always loved to hear herself talk. It's not really a surprise." Despite her benevolence, it's rare to see Lady White Heart smile so openly. Whatever happened in the meeting must've ended toward her liking. "Did you manage to speak to the NPC Representative from here?"

"Yes, in fact. I found Representative Yew to be quite the charming young woman." And she had quite the nice bottom, too. "And she had quite the nice bottom, too."

"What." Lady White Heart's expression muted slightly.

"Oh. When I met, Representative Yew managed to trip over her own feet, and rear end was up in the air." It was cute. "I appreciated her dedication to providing the fan service, but it wasn't the most flattering position for her to land in." Had her tits been exposed, that would have been most flattering.

"Oh really?" she smiled at me again. "That's okay then."

"Well of course. Is there any reason it wouldn't be?"

"What are you implying, Chet?" asked Lady White Heart, sounding a little defensive.

"Nothing really, Lady White Heart. Only that you said that it was okay for me to talk about Representative's Yew's buttocks in the way I did. I just assumed that since that was okay, there must be an instance where such is not okay."

I think I must have miss spoke. The muted irritation in Lady White Heart's tone shifted drastically to wrath steadily biding. Her eye's narrowed, and her brow crinkled. With a small scowl, she said to me, "I don't know where you get off talkn' so high and mighty to me…" and my heart breaks a little.

"N-No, no! My Lady I wasn't insinuating anything! I-I-I…" I stepped on a land mine at the bottom of a pit of deep shit is what I did.

"Have you been shown your room in the Basilicom yet, Representative?" Lady White Heart avoided using my name. Now I know I'm in the shit! "Well!?"

"Y-Yes…. Why do you ask, Lady White Heart?" I asked, like a sheep.

"I hereby forbid you to sleep there tonight."

"What!"

"You heard me!" She scowled at me with passive aggression in her eyes. "You are to sleep outside of my quarters on the floor. ON THE FLOOR! Do you understand!?"

"Yes…." I couldn't argue with her, for she is the beautiful Lady White Heart, goddess of my nations people. I am mere scum. "I understand, Lady White Heart."

"Now get out of my sight. You're giving me a headache…." With that, I am condemned by the Goddess whom I worship so greatly.

I am an eyesore to the world around me. I am scum. I am less than the dirt I on which I trod…. I am a worm. Watch and laugh as I slither away….

I left Lady White Heart's quarters, fell to my knees beside the door, and wallowed in my own despair. Wallow. Wallow…. The floor is cold, but it is my heart that has been frozen….

…

When I woke up, I was sheltered under a blanket patterned with cute, smiling jack-o'-lanterns.


	12. Chapter 12: Pardon the Unfun Bit

Ganache the Extremist, former Sanctified of Lastation and worshiper of Lady Black Heart. Expelled from his order for actions unbecoming of a man of his status, his exact crimes are confidential to the Basilicom of Lastation. Recently, he has been promoted to the status of International Criminal in both Lastation and Planeptune after taking credit for a failed plot to defame Lady Purple Heart during a live broadcast some months ago. Both charismatic and devious, he has the potential to pose a threat to the peace.

This is still supposed to be a light hearted and comedic story, so I look forward to our inevitable confrontation where I pants him in front of a large audience.

"Say what you will about Mr. Ganache, but he's still quite the handsome devil." I say, figuring most charming people are also threatening. "That spiky brown hair, those deep dark eyes, and a pair of glasses to round out the whole 'cold, calculating, and manipulative' look."

"He's been sighted near the borders of Lowee and Leanbox." said Ms. Whitebottom, briefing me on the importance of the matter. "It's been confirmed that he has spoken with the the leaders of local independent cities around our two nations."

"If they know where he is, then why hasn't he been extradited to Planeptune or Lastation?" I asked, my eyes locked onto Ms. Whitebottom's bottom.

"That's part of the problem None of the independent cities have been cooperating with either nation."

"That's strange, Lastation is usually on good terms with the indies." I hate it when things start to get serious. It makes it harder to talk about cute boobies when all people are concerned about are international criminals and worrying political climates. "I don't want things to get too serious around here. I like it better when I can go be a horrible person with the justification that I'm a comedy protagonist in fan fiction…."

"The indies are starting to call him 'Ambassador Ganache'." Ms. Whitebottom completely ignored my troubles. "After the debacle in Planeptune, Leanbox took measures to ward against attacks like that."

"You wouldn't happen to have taken measures against attacks like me, have you, Representative Yew?" My attempts at changing the topic naturally are clumsy, I'll admit, but I usually don't have to take that kind of care.

"What are you talking about now, you boor." she's still using that word.

"Nothing much. You me, a nice little house near the Lowee-Leanbox boarder, two or three kiddies maybe?" I can get away with joking like that because I'm a comedic protagonist, guys. Don't any of you joke like that with a women unless there's a firm understanding between the two of you. It'd be seriously creepy otherwise. "My mother was actually from Leanbox, so I'm a half-breed. Do you have family from other nations, Representative?"

"Don't joke like that. Someone might actually take you serious one day." Ms. Whitebottom tries to keep up her face, but I still see a hint of red in her cheeks.

"Is there anything wrong in me looking for a beautiful, flat-chest woman to be my wife?" I expected to have at least one little Chetspawn up and around by this point with Hannah, but we all know how that went….

"Wait…. You're serious?" Ms. Whitebottom seemed surprised. "You've only known me for one day!"

"I'm not asking you for your hand in marriage, woman." Not yet, anyway. "You've got a tight bod, and you inflict pain on me when it's comedically effective. That's a life time's worth of comedy gold, right there."

"Anyways," I've been shot down…"until we become certain of Ganache's plans, his presence in the indies is to remain monitored."

I wasn't getting any closer to having a wifey to call my own just yet, so I might as well see how this tonal shift plays out. Test the water, stuff like that. "And if it is found that he is a threat?"

"That has yet to be decided…." said Ms. Whitebottom, gravely. "I guess we don't have much else to talk about."

"I could flirt with you for a while, and you could brush me off until the next scene comes up." I thought my suggestion was fine. "I'll be sure to have your blanket washed before I return it."

"What blanket?" she played dumb.

"The one you threw over me while I was asleep."

"I did no such thing." and now she's just denying it. "But I still want it back before you leave."

She turns her head away from me, whether out of distain for my pestering or to hide her shame like all those tsundere types usually do, which I don't find I like very much. It's weird, really. Lastation is usually the nation to be if you love you some tsundere, and Leanbox is the nation of big wobbly bosoms, and also tribadisim between preposterously proportioned women. I guess Ms. Whitebottom is just one for breaking social norms, not that I mind.

…

"I'm mentally preparing myself to apologize to you for the way I acted yesterday. Don't make a sound until I'm ready." said Lady White Heart after calling me to her room and readying tea.

A good half hour passed with Lady White Heart staring at me with an intensity so incredible that my willie threatened to break through my zipper and rocket off into space.

"Okay!" she yelled, T -too soon before liftoff. "Chet, I'm…. Ugh. You get what I'm saying right? No…. No I have to say it, don't I?"

"I un-"

"I trying to apologize, goddamn it!" By jove, Lady White Heart is so sexy when she yells at me! "I'm sorry! I said I'm sorry, got it!?"

"M'lady, I was tr-" and then I was taken by my collar with a fist that smells like the fresh kiss of winter.

"Listen to me, I'm trying to apologize to you, and if you don't let me finish I'll apologize with VIOLENCE!"

"Lady White Heart, I love you!" and then she punched me in the stomach and I flew into a wall.

"I said my apologies, and now I'm done!" she marched out of the room as I laid with my back still pinned to the wall from the force of her punch. I think my intestines have been thoroughly liquified, but I am kept alive through the sheer force of my worship...

"Lady White Heart is the greatest…." I said aloud in the seconds before I received my game over. The game will call this a bad end, but is it really?

…

I woke up an hour later because my confrontation with Lady White Heart was a "s'posed to lose fight", and I think something important is going to happen next. Nicholas Crossworth calls this "triggering of the flag", and he's right. It was an incredibly painful flag, but I'm digging it even if my insides are all soupy now!

So I picked myself off the floor and found myself in the hallway outside Lady White Hearts room, and in front of me was a big me-shaped hole in the wall. That was amazing and all, but Lady White Heart was nowhere to be seen, and I desperately want to be near her right now, so I left in search of my Goddess.

"Lady White Heart?" I yelled out in an empty hallway, before rushing outside.

I ran through the foyer, the balcony, and I guess that my sense of direction is on the fritz because by the time I stopped running I was in the middle of a heavily wooded area miles away from Leanbox's basilicom, and I had no chuffing idea where in Lady Green Heart's green hills (har har) I was.

"I'm lost…." I said out loud. "I'm lost, I'm hungry, and damn how fast was I running?"

"Faster than any NPC I've ever met." called the seductive voice of Sam Riegel. "You're quite incredible, Representative from Lowee."

Oh my god…. It's the voice of Sam Riegel…. "You're Minoru Shiraishi!"

"Umm…. No." said the voice of Sam Riegel from the shadows. "But we do have the same voice actor."

"If you're not Minoru Shiraishi, then who are you?" I asked, disappointed that I won't be able to get Minoru Shiraishi's auto graph.

The man with the voice of Sam Riegel came within eyesight. I could see in full his character portrait. I've seen him before, that bishie-come-lately face, the telltale eyes of a devil behind frameless square glasses…. He really looks cool since he was given a character portrait in Re;birth1.

"Ganache the Extremist…." I will admit it. You are a handsome man, but I am still the most fabulous! "I knew I'd be meeting you sooner or later, but goodness. You were only mentioned at the beginning of this chapter. Don't you know anything about pacing, good sir?"

"Actually, I go by 'Ambassador' these days." he informed me, with the smug superiority of a complete asshole, not unlike myself. "You got yourself into a bit of a snit, Mr. Representative. You went through all the trouble of running out into the woods, but you left yourself no way to connect to the new plot."

"I appreciate your concern, Mr. Ambassador, but I'll have you know that this is supposed to be a funny story. I have no reason to connect to any plot."

"We can't have things always go your way, Mr. Representative. Where will you find time to grow as a character?"

"I'm perfectly fine being one dimensional, thank you."

"Well, it's like I said. We can't have things always go your way, Mr. Representative." the sneering bastard snapped his fingers once, and after the sound of rustling leaves subsided, I found myself blocked off on all sides by faceless NPCs like myself. "Let's be civil, Mr. Representative."

I don't like this. Everything has been fairly lighthearted up until now. Now that bishie bastard is here and my stomach feels like there's a rock in it. Also I regained feeling there, so whoopie…. I'll be damned if I let this chapter end on a sour note, so allow me to formally apologize to Some Random Tosser and SpeckTech. I wanted to drop your names in somewhere, but it just felt forced. This is Representative Chet signing off.


	13. Pardon all this mess

It's been three days since the end of chapter twelve, and the fourth wall has officially been torn down to make room for another JC Penny. And I'm down with that; there was no use in funding a wall so permeable in the first place. I just walked straight through the blasted thing once or twice a chapter. It's more convenient now that it's gone. Moreover, I've been doing a lot of my clothes shopping at JC Penny in the past year, so it's nice that they're building one that I will end up passing by so often.

Sorry, I got off topic there. Let me take another shot at this: It's been three days since "Ambassador Ganache" of the Coalition of Independent Cities invited me to tea at the point of some goon's halberd. I ended up sampling quite a few western teas that I came to like. Before I was brought here, I very much enjoyed a light cup of chamomile with my morning breakfast, but this whatever-it's-called tea really fires up my senses.

"Pardon me Mr. Ambassador, but what was it you said this was that I am drinking?" I asked, very much enjoying my tea.

"Virgin bloodwort. I'm surprised you like it. It's rare that any of my Guests share my tastes." That would trigger a spit-take from most people, but I'm quite different from most people. I know what a bloodwort is.

"It's exquisite!" A very…. A very sweet aroma wafts upward from my cup of virgin bloodwort tea. In color, it is the deepest, most intense red I've ever seen. It feels alive as I taste it in my mouth. The taste alone is incredible. It's summery like true love's kiss, yet it saddens me somehow…. I'm thinking over it too much. It's good tea. "Bloodwort…. That's a medicinal herb, isn't it?"

"Yes it is. I didn't think anyone else knew that." he chuckled.

"Well now, Mr. Ambassador, we've spent the last few days occupying various rural cottages, sampled some of the wonderful local cuisine, and that day we spent playing kick ball with school children was fun, but it does not deter my my mind from obsessing over the fact that I was brought here against my will." and did I mention that the tea is absolutely divine. "Why am I here, Mr. Ambassador?"

"I was hoping you'd notice something, Mr. Representative, but I guess most people wouldn't think of it unless provoked." Ambassador Ganache took one final sip of his Virgin Bloodwort tea, emptying his cup. "Tell me, Mr. Representative, where are we now?"

"This is the Exec Family Cottage, currently the easternmost place of interest before the Leanbox border." all this talk about geographies will bore me to tears if I let it carry on. "Why do you ask?"

"That's certainly what it says on all the maps this year, isn't it? Just last year, this cottage was mapped within the borders of the independent city of-" And I'm going to have to stop you there, Asshole.

"And in what way does this concern me exactly, Mr. Ambassador?" I asked, my patience having run thinner than the now demolished fourth wall of this story. "You're telling me that Leanbox is venturing upon the territory of a few small city states even though I have neither the authority to do anything to change that fact nor the patience to hear you gripe over it." He's from Lastation, people there have always rubbed me the wrong way. "What point is there in telling me this?"

"Well, Mr. Representative, it's not your heart that my words are meant to reach out to. As it turns out, none of the four CPUs are that eager to speak with an international criminal."

"And you want me to relay your evil banter to my nation's goddess, CPU White Heart." I wanted to punch him in the face for no reason other than because I thought he was an ass person, and I did my best to convey that in my tone of voice. To that end, I did my best impression of Christian Bale's Batman. "What makes you think I'd be your messenger boy?" Damn that's rough on your throat….

"Di-Did you just inhale something?" that Ass Person at least seemed disturbed by my voice, which came out sounding like I just smoked an entire rolled up mattress. "Are you alright?"

"My throat is a bit soar…." that was an understatement.

"I'll have someone bring you a lozenge." waved over at a cute girl in a maid's outfit. "Meredith, please get something for our guest. I think his tea might've burned his throat."

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about me…." I've been captured by a man who is quite clearly supposed to be my foil, and here he is asking his maid to bring me a Ricola. What's a good synonym for humiliation? "Are we out of tea?"

"Indeed we are…." he said, looking inside the pot. "Meredith, eighty-six your trip to the medicine cabinet, could you instead have Dampierre brew up another pot of Vrigin Bloodwort, please?"

"Right away, Lord Ambassador." said Maid Meredith, whom I think is sort of cute, but not to any degree worth elaborating on.

Meredith took the empty pot of tea with her to some portion of the cottage that I have no interest in exploring.

"We've been talking for quite a while, no?" I said, on the verge of running out of frivolous things to say to pad out the word count. "Anyways, you mean to tell me that the indies have not taken a liking to the four nations growing over their territory."

"What I mean to say is that the independents have not taken well to Lowee, Planeptune, and Leanbox stealing their land."

"I noticed that you conveniently left Lastation out of this."

"The land to be gained from the other three nations will be more than enough to satisfy the independent cities bordering Lastation."

"So you plan to steal back more than what was stolen, that makes a bloody lot of sense. You plan to make thieves of the victims?" My head is actually starting to hurt from all this bullshit I'm forced to listen through.

"And when the other nations cave under the pressure exerted by the independents, Lastation will be tower above the competition." said the ass person, worsening the severity of my current migraine.

"Oh yeah…." I rub at my temples in hopes that it will somehow ease the pain. "You had a thing for Lastation's CPU. Man, Lady Black Heart has some of the worst luck with men in all history. At least Anonydeath wasn't entirely motivated by his obsession…."

"Said Lowee's legendary Loli Eater, as his White Heart body pillow collects dust in a Leanbox guest room."

Word of my exploits have transcended all boundaries, I see….

"Ambassador Ganache, you are a manipulative bastard, and I'm sure in any serious story, you would pose an incredible threat…."

"Any other story?" he seemed amused by the notion that I was not intimidated. "What do you mean, Mr. Representative?"

"I mean you'r a scheming one. A political adversary from another region. Your weapon is neither blade nor barrel. You wield your charisma as your weapon. With a few words, heroes are stopped in their tracks. At least, in any serious story."

"I'm afraid that I don't follow, Mr. Representative."

"Well then, Mr. Ambassador, allow me to simplify my words. You would be a serious villain to any serious hero in any serious story, however, Mr. Ambassador, this is not a serious story, and I'm **certainly** not a serious hero. I'm a comedy protagonist, and that gives me the leeway to get away with some seriously heinous shit in the name of good natured comedy."

"Tea, sirs?" Maid Meredith turned up, and not a moment too soon.

"Meredith!" I yelled, startling the woman. "You couldn't have arrived at an instance more opportune."

"What are you planning, Mr. Representative?" asked the Ass Person, somewhat worriedly.

"Just sit back, Mr. Ambassador. Just sit back and listen to my narration." I said.

Now that I have been presented with the chance to show that Ass Person just what kind of narrative this is, I can't let it slide by without jumping at it. With little thought, I took the tea pot from the serving trey Maid Meredith had kept it on by the handle. It was scaldingly hot. That much was obvious from all the steam coming from it. It actually burned my hand a little to hold it. I guess that's why Maid Meredith was using a tray. Anyways, the burning of my hand became painful enough that I just didn't want to hold the pot anymore, so as to not prolong this any further, I poured scalding hot Virgin Bloodwort tea on Maid Meredith's head.

"It **burns**!" Maid Meredith screamed, which I think is a bit much. If she doesn't like tea, then she should just take coffee. It's no big deal. No one's judging you.

"What are you doing?!" yelled the Ass Person, terrified.

"You see? I could have played that for laughs if you hadn't been so serious this entire time. All your talk of politics and border disputes…. There's other places you can take that!"

"You maniac! You just burned a woman!" I gotta hand it to Ganache, he's proving to be quite the affable bad guy, which is more than I can say for myself. "Someone! Come quick!" He's showing very believe able concern for his underlings. I think it's legitimate. Good show Ganache! "Meredith's been burned! Someone!"

"And that's why I don't want this turning out all serious!" I exclaimed, hoping to finally get my point across. "I am just not fit to be the hero of any serious story!"

"You bastard!" Now it was Ganache who was using unkind words. That's my thing! Only I do it in my narration.

"This is what happens when you don't know your role, Mr. Ambassador. I may never be the hero of any epic quest to save the world, but at least, when the world smiles and laughs at my antics and misadventure, I am the hero! Here and now! Here and now, I am the good guy, and I will triumph over evil!" Boy if this tirade doesn't sound like evil rant…. Oh well! This was a serious chapter, so it only makes sense that I am the bad guy! I should probably be laughing more at this, or maybe I should just gloat. "I win. You lose! Ha ha! You lose! **You lose**!"

…

Suffice to say that my little stunt in Exec Cottage didn't go over well with Ganache, who promptly ordered me to leave the premises, but damn if he didn't look terrified while doing it! All in all, I'll call this a win for me, and that's great because I was about to go over the 2,000 word limit per chapter thing that Piteous has been imposing on this story.

Oh well, all the gloomy people are gone, so it's back to laughs and giggles next time. Later, I've got a long walk until I get back to Leanbox. My Lady White Heart body pillow is still there, after all.


	14. Chapter 13

So in recent news, Ganache's Coalition of Independent Cities has managed to strike a deal with the beautiful CPUs of Gameindustri. It was all very civil, actually. The threat of military invasion was not even brought up at in the meeting room. Ganache spoke on behalf of the indies, and managed to convince the CPUs of the need for clear borders. Of course, our Goddesses knew that they were in the wrong, and happily agreed to definite borders. There's some dispute over the exact boundaries of the land, especially concerning Leanbox's recent mining ventures, but I'm sure that won't amount to anything plot relevant… . At least it better not… .

"I'm just glad that no one got hurt!" I said, resting for the first time since I escaped my captivity. "It's wonderful that everyone can return to playing games and laughing with each other."

"No one got hurt, huh?" Lady White Heart glared at me while I was trying to enjoy my break. I would complain, but for her to even look my way makes me feel wonderful inside. "No one except that maid girl… . Do you know how embarrassing it was? Some asshole ambassador tells me that you poured hot tea on his maid, and then Noire starts pontificating over how a proper goddess would never let her Rep. be taken captive for so long… ."

"In my defense, Lady White Heart, I was taken captive."

"And that's what I told Ganache." Lady White Heart seemed satisfied with my answer, but somehow no happier. "I can't believe you went and got yourself captured. Exactly how useless of a man are you?"

"I'd answer that, but I worry I might disappoint you, Lady White Heart."

And then Lady White Heart sighed so hard I thought she was about to pass a lung from out her throat. "Chet, you are so… ."

"Utterly, and unwaveringly devoted to my nation's goddess, my lady CPU White Heart."

"If you weren't so good at shuffling papers… ." with a bitter smile, Lady White Heart walked away from me. Maybe she went to her quarters, maybe she went take a hit off the scuttlebutt, maybe she just withdrew with the intent to find something sufficiently heavy and blunt to malice me with. Wherever she went, I've this most gnawing of suspicions that I might not be serving my Lady with healthy intent. "Well shit… ."

When I studied to become a sanctified, there was no stipulation that I had to be a good person in addition to my rightly earned degrees. Of course, I did manage to pass that psyche profile because I acted sweet to the lonely-looking chicklet in charge of the interviews. Which reminds me, I still haven't thrown away that woman's phone number, or did I?

Whatever, I'm legitimately saddened by the thought of Lady White Heart not being pleased with me. Of course, savvy readers will find that statement as shocking as a news report on bears shitting on trees. Seriously tho, when Lady White Heart is unhappy, I'm unhappy, but when Lady White Heart is unhappy as a direct consequence of something I did, I start to consider the social benefits of hara-kiri.

"Caw… ?" and there's a sound I haven't heard in… . I don't remember exactly. Look, it's Wisden, and yes I expect you to remember who that is.

"Wisden, you beautiful batter avian, I haven't seen you in forever! How have you been?" with friends around, my thoughts of honorable suicide fade toward the back of my skull.

"Caw!" flapping her wings, Wisden propelled herself just above the ground. She had an envelope hanging from the grasp of her talons.

"For me, Wisden? Oh but I didn't get you anything… ." No, I am not flirting with my birdie friend, I'm just playing with her. "Let's see here… ."

Inside of the envelope which bore the golden wax seal of Lowee's Basilicom was a letter. Folded thrice, and written in fine silver ink, it read thus, "In light of recent events concerning the capture of Lowee's NPC Representative by hitherto unnamed forces," I call liar, "prior to talks concerning national borders, it has been decided that NPC Representative Chet of Lowee will under go diversity tolerance training… " OH CHUFFING GOODNESS ON COPULATION BREAD, NO! "under the guidance of Lastation's CPU Candidate Uni and NPC Representative, Xeno."

"**NOOOOOOO**!" Calm down. Her disposition aside, Constable Blimey Chips is still a loli, and CPU Black Sister is a loli as well. "**NEVER MIND! I CAN WORK WITH THIS**!"

…

Lastation… . Ugh! Lastation! Of all the places they had to send me, why Lastation. Nothing here but bile in the air, elitist pricks at every other corner, and still no music in these forsaken train cars! Ugh! I'm being unfair, there're elitist pricks in every nation, especially Leanbox, but I can deal with those pricks because my mother was from Leanbox, and that makes me a half-prick, biologically speaking. It is my actions and disposition which make me a whole-prick.

I arrive before the Basilicom, with dread in my heart and a smile on my face, to see Lastation's most notable of traits, putting on airs like they're designer underpants.

My welcome was not quite the red carpet roll out because the carpet was black with gold trim.

"Goodness… ." I sighed with exasperation.

Awaiting my arrival was an audience of saluting soldiers in Lastation military garb, trumpeters signaling my presence with grandiose blasts of sound, that damn black and gold carpet I was talking about earlier, and dressed for success were two white haired women with eyes like to stare through my soul.

Lady Black Heart, Lastation's CPU proper, wore voluminous white hair down with an enviable air of prominence about her. Her dress was an off the shoulder piece fittingly blacker than my contempt for this nation and everyone in it. I suppose her breasts would be considered "cute" and "modest" by the standards of Leanbox, but they can hardly be considered small by any reasonable standards. I will admit to her being a sexy, sexy woman, but she's a goddess. It'd be stranger if she weren't beautiful.

Next to CPU Lady Black Heart was Lastation's CPU Candidate and the more beautiful of the two in my mind's loli-loving-eye, Lady Black Sister. Her hair is curled into two gigantic ringlets each the size of her head with a mind-boggling consistency that stumps me every time I see it. And while she is, the only CPU of this generation to have her boobies get smaller in HDD state, a fact for which my emotions are eternally conflicted, her dress, a poofy and grey affair, does not do her figure justice. That kind of thing makes me sick.

"Welcome to Lastation, Representative Chet of Lowee." Lady Black Heart greeted me with teeth bared in a winning smile.

Wasn't the entire point of me coming here to tell me how horrible a person I am? It must not be, because I don't think Ganache had this kind of ceremonious welcome when he came to speak on behalf of sovereign powers.

"Lady Black Heart, you… " went entirely too far with this atrocious display, "you humble me with your hospitality."

"Nonsense! It's your first time visiting Lastation, Representative." that you know of, "I couldn't bear it if your first impressions of a country as beauteous as Lastation… " Lady Black Heart loves to hear herself talk.

"I have been here before, m'lady, but never on official business." I scan around quickly for sight of Constable Blimey Chips, but I can't find her. "Still, you certainly know how to make one feel welcome." I want to ask about the constable, but I know that she and I will meet sometime later on.

"It's a pleasure meeting you again, Representative of Lowee." went the voice of the con… . "**No**… ."

The person calling me out was not Constable Blimey Chips, for Constable Blimey Chips, like me, does not have her own character portrait. She, like me, is an NPC silhouette, and while she is as tall as this person whose voice reminds me much of hers, this person cannot be Constable Blimey Chips. This person has a character portrait, and I do not – and Constable Blimey Chips does not. Pardon I fudged my words for a second.

Standing before me is a stout little boy/girl/woman with black hair thick as jungle brush and no more tame. I'll go ahead and assume that this person is a female now, for she looks to be wearing the uniform of female officers in Lastation's army, or at least an outfit very similar to it. On her top and over a white dress shirt and tie affair was black blazer, double breasted, and with a single line of four golden buttons going down from her chest to the end of her coat. With her pants folded into creases, the only thing this one needed to complete the look was a combination cover to hide that horribly frizzy hair of hers.

"I'm sorry, have we met?"

"No. No. We haven't… ." She's embarrassed. Embarrassed about what? I don't know. What reason she could have? I don't care. I know that this frizzy haired little bint got herself a character portrait, and and I'm still looking like Todd In The Shadows. "It's nice to meet you, _for the first tim_e, Representative Chet of Lowee. I'm Lastation's NPC Representative, Representative Xeno. I hope we can get along. Hopefully you won't feel the urge to pour hot tea on me."

I'd probably be laughing at that if I weren't still a silhouette.


	15. Chapter 14

I follow her down the cold, dark pathways of Lastation's Basilicom. She is well aware of my presence, but in tortured reverence, I attempt to make myself as the wind, synchronizing my footsteps to match her cadence. I am not one of her flock. My deity, a goddess of shimmering, white purity, is the one for whom my heart beats. This tumult eats away at me, for my admiration of the beautiful Lady Black Sister will be seen by many of my nation as scandalous and heretical, but I cannot deny my reverence for her beauty….

Even in this more humble form, this beauteous raven haired girl walks before me, her svelte, girlish hips sway from left to right just beneath her black minidress. Her bosom, however to my dislike, is full, but not disquietingly so. Her proportions are balanced more naturally than the grand hills of Leanbox. It's almost as if her body moves in tides. High, then low, and then high again.

I have gone over my dedication to the beauteous flatlands of Lowee, whose comforting winter calms me, arouses me, and brings my heart to palpitate, but it has come to the point of redundancy. I dislike bosoms so large that they warrant their own gravitational pull, fact, but I cannot hate a beautiful women who has. I may never come to love her as I do Lady White Heart, but I will never hate Lady Black Sister, for she too is a beautiful woman. I admire her beauty, her energy, and her confidence, and my admiration is not easily shaken.

As we come before the door to my designated quarters, Lady Black Sister stops walking.

"Here we are!" said Lady Black Sister, meeting a task as menial as directing a clod such as I to where I will spend the night with the same enthusiasm as any greater quest. "You'll be staying here for the night, Mr. Representative. If there's anything you need, please let me or a member of our staff know."

Lady Black Sister smiles at me with a girlish charm which fills me with warm admiration. "Thank you, Lady Black Sister. I yet to to prove myself anything but humbled by your hospitality. Truly, the people of Lastation are fortunate to live under the direction of both you and Lady Black Heart."

"Heh. Well, it's mostly my sister that get's things done." Lady Black Sister smiles sheepishly as she makes little of her own importance. "I don't do much compared to Noire."

"If you say so, but we are speaking of the same Lady Black Heart who only does everything." Now that I think about it, that phrase has some unfortunate sexual innuendo behind it. "I find you no less incredible a girl for being the Lady Black Sister who only does her very best."

"Really?" even in her B-cup form, Lady Black Sister is quite the stunner, but it's rare that a girl doesn't look cute when her faces turn so red. "Wow. I've never had a boy compliment me before."

I don't very much like being called a "boy" when I am so clearly a "man", but I'm not about to shrug off the sincere words of a cutie CPU. Such reprehensible behavior would truly be blasphemous.

"I find that hard to believe. All goddesses have worshippers," and by worshippers I mean fanboys, "so I'd think that such a lovely girl would have at least a few male admirers."

"Yeah, but most of those… . I don't consider them human, really." Wow! I'd say you sound like a bitch, Lady Black Sister, but I'll go ahead and assume you're just being tsundere. "And you don't have to call me Lady Black Sister, Representative. Just call me Uni, okay?"

Fat chance, Lady Black Sister. "No. One so low as I shouldn't be allowed such a privilege." I really think that they forgot that I was sent here as consequence for being such a horrible person. I'm still going to milk it for all I can, so don't doubt that. "Although, if I might impose… ."

I bowed my head, arched forward, and held out my palm for Lady Black Sister.

"Oh! Wow, I…. O-Okay…?" Lady Black Sister stutters on the letter O. I love it when women do that. The hyphen makes it look like a shocked face. "I… don't usually do this, so you'd better be grateful!" she explains, dipping her hand into my palm.

I do give Lastation grief for being probably the unfriendliest of the four great nations, but to be allowed the chance to kiss a goddess, even the back of her hand, I can't even imagine how many fanboys would sign their lives away to be in my shoes right now.

My lips touch the black, fingerless, opera-length gloves which cover Lady Black Sister's hand. Her gloves are soft like velvet, but her fingers which touch my palm are softer still. This is an honor rivaled by very little. They really have forgotten that I was sent here because I poured tea on a maid girl.

"O-Okay!" There's that face again. "Th-That should be enough, right?"

My lips now touch the person of a CPU. I feel lighter than air, I am…. I'm not even sure how to describe this feeling. I know that I am happy, but I haven't the words to articulate. I hate to end this bliss which I now feel, but it must end. I lift my lips from Lady Black Sister's hand.

"Sheesh…. My heart actually started racing for a bit there…." she smiles a sweet smile, and it is directed at me. I have not felt such privilege since I first came to serve Lady White Heart. "Lady Blanc is lucky. I bet she has you doing that sort of thing all the time."

If only….

"I'm standing right here, and if you dare touch Lady Uni again, I'll bleed you to death." Oh right…. Constable Blimey Chips is here.

"Oh!" Lady Black Sister has taken notice of the constable's intrusion. "Representative Xeno, how long have you been here?"

"I walked with you both all the way from the main hall. I've been here the entire time." She's been here the whole time, yet Constable Blimey Chips has yet to realize that no one cares about her or her new character portrait. "Did you really forget that I was two feet away from…." The constable paused because she knew that she wouldn't like the answer, I presume. "Never mind. Lady Uni, I will take it from here. And by it, I mean this oaf."

"It's good to see you join us finally, Representative Xeno." I'm just messing with her, if that wasn't clear enough.

"I WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!"

"WHICH REALLY SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU'RE PRESENCE IN SPITE OF YOUR NEW CHARACTER PORTRAIT, AND YES I AM VERY BITTER; THANK YOU FOR ASKING!"

The constable and I argued at the top of our lungs for a spell, and Lady Black Sister quietly moved somewhere away from our lover's quarrel, for she wanted no part of it. I wanted no part of it either, but I had no clear opening for a retreat.

"Don't call it a lover's quarrel, you filthy gigolo!" Constable Blimey Chips yelled. "I don't know why any CPU would even **let** you work in any position of power, but it's a disgrace!"

"This coming from the woman who bared her breast to me for a copy of a husbandry game." I said.

"This coming from the **gigolo** who took up the offer." she barked back at me. "And I told you that that never happened!"

"And I told **you** that I love flat breasts! I love them! I love them! I will proclaim my love for flat breasts from the highest rooftops! I will yell until my throat drys to dust! I will not stop! I will not yeild! I will be unrelenting in my proclamation for my love of flat breasts, and you have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful pair of breasts!"

"You… ." The constable astounds me with her expediency of follow up. "Where do you get off, seducing another country's goddess?"

"I'm not seducing anyone! What would I gain from seducing another country's loli?" I meant to say CPU right there. Honest I did. "I'm from Lowee! All our CPUs are lolis!" I'm getting the impression that Constable Blimey Chips sees me as a legitimate threat, and that astounds "And another thing, the day any CPU falls for my psychotic ass is the day I chainsaw duel Jake Winters… in flat caps and gentlemanly monocles!"

And anyways, everyone knows that Uni loves Nepgear – pardon my skipping on the formalities.

Now the constable was irritated with me, and I know the constable is irritated with me because her hands are on her hips and she's making a face like my nan would make whenever she caught me getting too frisky with the girls down my street.

"You know what you are, Chet?"

Yes. Yes, constable, I know exactly what I am. What I am is the narrator to this farce, and that means I don't have to listen to you bitch at me. Chapter End.


End file.
